


John Egbert ==>

by SupaCutiePatootie (That_Familiar_Feeling)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Every AU, Universal Contemplation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-03 00:12:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2831078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_Familiar_Feeling/pseuds/SupaCutiePatootie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who is...<br/>John Egbert?</p><p>Is he a thought, are they a memory, was she a name...</p><p>Who was John Egbert.</p><p>And where'd they go?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a series of totally different but completely connected AUs.  
> That may seem confusing but reading the first three chapters you should come to understand.
> 
> If you have a head canon, or an idea, or an au for John, go ahead and tell me. I'll need some more ideas and I can use all of them!

Save them...save all of them That was his purpose apparently.

Save everyone and leave no one behind. Well no one but himself.

That was the deal.

His final bargain with whatever deity held the noose around their throats. He could trade his lives, every single one of...for theirs. Every single one of them... He traded his existence and in return no matter what universe they came from, what timeline or alternating existence...they would be returned and protected. it was the perfect deal and only he could make it.

It wasn't painful, being extracted from forever. Physically painful that is. Emotionally? Well that was agonizing for him. But for all that it hurt, he saw the good he did.

For each memory of him that was removed, a new one took it place. That time he remembered cutting up one of his fathers ties and turning it into impromptu confetti. He saw her...Rose. She was getting a new book from her mother, "How To Knit" for beginners... his happy memory was traded for hers.

It was odd, the whole thing for him was like walking backwards. Like one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming so everything starts to spin and nothing makes sense. he was suddenly thrown into a nothing state.  All he could do was watch every one of his lives go. He didn't even remember some of them. although that's probably because they were the him he knew himself as. they were alternate version of him with alternating results. He was looking into a mirror and seeing a strangers face with each abstract memory. 

What hurt the most, was not knowing what his absence meant. Vaguely he felt himself wonder if his father would have different life. 

His father...had he ever said goodbye? That whole day...years and times ago he had avoided him the whole time... as far as he was shown..he hadn't said more to his father than something perhaps rude or crass. Something about to many cakes...

As they slipped away, he could think faintly ho desperately he wanted those cake memories back. Being forced to bake something for the elderly community was being replaced with treks into Jungles, or trips to the store..school days he'd never known as his. Each step was something taken from him. And it wasn't just for the humans. When it came to the trolls, all the little things were stripped from him.  Petty arguments were days made tedious for one of his friends.

It felt like years, day after day a new memory replaced. What could never be described time wise took up all his time. 

Up until he had nothing left. 

Every universe that he could have, did, and had existed in was gone now. Each one replaced haphazardly with hundreds more. 

But..he was still there...

Was he? Am I? he thought

How am I thinking...is it a thought...what is a thought?

Where...am I?

Who am I?


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm a thought_

That's the first thing that comes out of the abyss. Amongst all else, one singular conclusion is the strongest and most ironic. _  
_

A thought...contemplating itself as a thought

It should not be a thought. it should not be able to think. All it is..is an idea. 

What does one do with an idea? 

Ahead of me, I the idea,  I can see..what's the word for this... a word for this is opaque and hard to comprehend darkness. Hopeful darkness. Because as far away and as close as I can see it, theres a light. Or rather an energy. It's so far out there no one else would ever be able to come up with an idea for it.

We must have been made for each other then. 

I wanted it. That little blip of energy. But having no idea on how to get, all irony intended I suppose, I can't seem to grasp at how to go about getting it. I willed myself forward, or backwards, or whatever way this thing was going to take me towards it. That's another conclusive thought. This place, by definition it is a place. But it likes universal laws. 

Why the hell do I know that it lacks universal laws? 

What the hell is a universal law?

during this moment of realization, the little blip grew bigger. More prominent actually. I willed myself to it, urged every spot of essence I had to guide myself or it, closer. And then it was there. Suddenly and with no warning it was upon me. Like myself just appearing in this existence, it surrounded me and consumed me. For all reasoning, I can't fathom what it is. 

I'm surrounded by energy. But good and bad, draining and supplying me. but if I just, pick a side, I can feel it change. I pick the side that gives me a better thought, a bigger thought.

_I exist_

What happens next is astounding. I am physically stunted, physically..i have a physicality now. A body, with veins and muscles and sinew that attaches to bone. i don't know what it means to have a body, but I know what it does and what it can do. I also have no idea what this body looks like or why that matters. And again, another sudden exchange of atoms leaves me aware of the current situation. I don't know why, but I am being reborn. For some reason unbeknownst to me the universe it supplying me with a body, a conscience and a...

A soul? Where's my soul? 

I look all around me which is a good chance to stretch each of my new bones into its proper place. Where is my soul at? I should have one right inside my essence but I can't feel it. I start to walk again, and it hurts. The ability to function hurts me in a way so bizarre and unfathomable. But I keep walking through energy and existence. This place...the endlessness of it is so overwhelming. for a moment I want to scream, kick and shout and cry because I'm so alone and I can't find my soul by myself in this ginormous place. The Place hears me and folds around me, soothing me and my newborn body back into a contentful hush. 

There really is no reason for me to cry, I have all the time ever made to look for my soul. So I start to look in every place I can walk to. And what's a set of starlight, quickly becomes a river for me. Filled with little blips and mips of energy and possible equations. I'm looking into this little Places and seeing myself walking through them. It's so odd to watch yourself and not be able to make out the details. I'm walking through this river of mirrors for hours, days, forever and not once do I know what i am truly looking for. 

_Who Am I?_

And then..it all changes....

Everything all at once becomes. Every possibility is set out before me and handed to me in segments. Piece by piece I am given so many things. Names, equations, histories and infinities. And it's all to much, to many things being shoved into my knowing. I can't breath, I can't learn what breathing means because I know everything about how to breath. I don't want this...please I don't want this...please!

_Who am I ?!_


	3. Chapter 3

It hears me...the universe...  
And then it's got me again, wrapping around me and preserving me. A word comes to mind that fits this feeling of warmth and comfort, of this protection.

Mother

A mother will swaddle her child and fight to the death to protect it. She will give her bones away to feed it. She will sell her soul away to raise it.  
In a mother's shadow, her child shall rise.

Someone said that once. Or thought it, or maybe it was an idea someone had when they couldn't sleep. But it's truth is was ingrained into their soul. And I can understand why. A mother is an origin, a beginning. Mother is a universe of possibilities.  
Typically, a mother is a woman. So a woman would be a she or a her..."But..what about me?" I ask into the void of her shadow. Her body is looming, whole and not all at once. Every inch of possibility is stitched into her skin, like tracks and rails. 

"You are a child" is her response. "You are my child now." she is still wrapped around me, coiled and sheathed so that nothing may harm me. My essence is one with her's. "Whose child was I before?" I ask her. She laughs, stars being born and killed and reborn. "You were always my child...from my womb I created you." 

Love. She finds a spot left in me that has yet to be filled and fills it herself. And it's warm and cold all at the same time. It make me want to cry because it hurts and it's too beautiful. It's so much stronger than the other emotions she created for me.  
"Mother...who am I?"

"You are a child, new and so old all at once.." she kisses my forehead and leaves stardust on my cheeks. "You have all my time to figure out who you are."  
She wasn't lying. I knew she wasn't lying, that she'd never lie to me. "Where do I start mother? It's all so big.." I clung to her, and parts of her rubbed off onto my skin. She swept a hand in front of us and a sea appeared. I shook my head,"That's still much too big!" She laughed and filled my lungs with her song. She made a wider sweep, and the sea turned into a river. "If you learned how to swim then, then you can swim now." she ran a hand through my hair and gave it more strands. She smiled and left her mark on my body. "Now go...this is your path no matter how impossible it may seem. Its your path to follow." 

I was left there, in her wake as she began to drift away down the river. I started to follow, watching as she left flowers along the streams. flowers that erupted into blossoms of universes and times not yet seen. "Mother..where do i start in this river?" She turned and dropped off another lotus. It drifted in front of me, swaying against a breeze and settling into the current at my legs.

"Open your destiny to yourself" she whispered suddenly everywhere again. "Open each one and find who you are..."

Then she was silent, leaving me with the echoes of her voice and the echoes of each explosion of life.

I stooped, the heat of the river filled with burning galaxies just a tickle against my stomach. Cupping the lotus in my hands I lifted it, watching the universes floating around it trickle between my fingers. In my hands it burned hotter than every sun, shone brighter than every star. And when it opened its light filled my eyes and the existence i was in changed again,

_I am..._

_awake_


	4. Chapter 4

At first its cool, refreshing like swimming in a lake filled with clear mountain water. Then its fire. Heat and sting like dragging yourself across shattered light bulbs. The cool colours he remembered turned sharp and jarred him. He wanted to scream out but he was still swimming and suddenly the lake was filled with sharp tentacles that threatened to drag him under...

 

And then he woke up with a cold sweat and a blurry disorientation.

 

John Egbert, a young boy of only 6 years old, is laying in his bed surrounded by his favorite ghost blanket and pillows. His room is a blurry mess of shapes and colors but with a fumbled search for his glasses the images become sharp and the threat from his dreams fades away. It was just a dream, what an odd dream.

His room is bright, colorful unfortunately. His walls still aren't clean from all the marker and crayon, but his dad had done a good job of helping clean off all those creepy clowns. 

His dad...his dad!

For some reason on this particular morning, John had the sudden urge to see his dad. Such a strong urge that he practically tripped over the blankets and barely avoided face planting on the floor. He scrambled up and frowned with fervor trying to ease the hot blush on his cheeks and ears. He huffed and fixed his twisted pants before opening the door to his room and creeping down the hall and steps. 

The closer he got the stronger the smell of bacon and eggs became, the stronger his need to see his dad along with it.

His dad was standing n the kitchen in a pair of sleep pants and an old worn t-shirt that he had had since forever. Sometimes he liked to joke that it was given to him as a small baby by a magical wizard, but John wasn't some little kid anymore! Wizards wouldn't just hand over something so magical! what was his father thinking trying to trick him, of course it wasn't a wizard it had to have been something like a magician instead! everyone knows magicians weren't NEAR as magical.

John watched as his father puttered around with an unlit pipe in his mouth. He was going back and forth from his newspaper ,and weird grey phone thing, to the eggs on the stove. He looked so funny with his hair sticking up and his eyes all sleepy and dopey.

John grinned and ran over wrapping his arms around his Dad tightly. His Dad jumped a bit then grinned widely leaning down and wrapping his arms around his little boy and picking him up by the waist,"Well good morning to you son! I bet you smelled me cooking breakfast huh?" he chuckled and settled John on his hip while he messed around with the eggs. 

John smiled and nodded,"Yep! And it smells good to.." he leaned forward to watch the yolk break and the little yellow liquid start sizzling away. His father nodded and smiled at him again,"well your just in time, its the Egbert special today!" he set John down and grabbed the plate with the other eggs on it. John bounced on his heels and followed his father around the kitchen until they were sitting at the table and John was eagerly scarfing down the eggs,toast, and the worlds greatest bacon.

His dad watched fondly as he ate his breakfast in a more timely, fatherly manner that all proper business fathers seem to do. Occasionally he would add in a "don't forget to chew and drink you milk" to the silence they had adopted as morning routine.

 By the time John was finished his father still had half a plate, but he was a big boy and could wait at the table. Didn't mean he couldn't bounce in his chair impatiently as is father read his paper and took small slow bites. Eventual John's boredom won out he his talkative streak started for the day, "what are we doing today?"

His father looked over his glasses and paper and shrugged,"What do you want to do, Son?"

John screwed up his face and titled his head thinking."I don't know...Can we go to the zoo? Or maybe that big garden place with all the funny stuff to climb...or or maybe we can go see movies..or.." he hummed and swung his legs.

His father just smiled and waited, and that smile...suddenly John wasn't swinging his legs or thinking up adventures. For some odd reason he really missed that smile. He missed the way his dad called him Son, the way he would quirk his eyebrow while he read, the way he always placed the fork on the left side of the plate and he really missed the way his dad always looked so sleepy because he was always so busy finishing all his 'homework' so that he and John could have fun the next day.

Its so sudden and quick and its so confusing because he doesn't have any idea why he would miss something he sees all the time, but he does and he misses it so much he finally just says "Lets stay home. You said you'd help me make those cookies for my class Monday, and I really want to try and put funny faces on them."

His Dad smiles from ear to ear,"Remember the last time we made funny faces?" he stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes. John laughed and puffed out his cheeks with a silly face of his own."they looked great!" John cried out giggling.

His Dad laughed and nodded,"Yes they did Son, and now we can make them even funnier." he finished eating and folded his paper and tucked glasses into his pants pocket before grabbing both plates and silverware and depositing them in the sink,setting the paper on the counter. "But first you have to brush you teeth remember? Gotta keep those baby teeth clean for the tooth fairy."

John grinned,"So she'll give me actual dollars right!" he sprang from his seat and headed for the stairs at only a childs pace could. His Dad laughed and called after him,"And floss to! Be careful running up those stairs."

John laughed and only slowed down a little on the stairs, he hadn't ever fallen before and no need to now. In the bathroom he climbed onto his little stool and smiled wide at the mirror.

It was funny, for a minute there, he didn't remember his face.

His cheeks looked to squishy, to baby like. His eyes looked weirdly bright behind his big frames, and his hair looked shorter. He felt sorter to.He squinted and tilted his head this way and that. "Nope...still me!" he grinned and started to brush his teeth like he had come up the stairs to do.

it was weird though. How much he missed his Dad even though he had obviously seen him just yesterday. How he felt like his face had changed over night. Even his room felt different. Like, for some reason its was missing things. His walls looked to empty. Maybe he should get more movie posters, he was sure his dad would help hang them up!

The rest of the day went by slowly, but fast to. He and his dad had to go to the store and grab some cookie making stuff, then they had to actually make them. He didn't mind making them, or that it took so long. He liked the funny red and yellow box they came in and he thought the little red spoon was always funny.

He didn't like waiting for the cookies to actually cook. His Dad made up for it when they went outside and he got to play on his pogo ride. he made sure to not go to fast, he had fallen off enough to know better thank you very much. They played tag and even got a chance to watch the clouds after they took the cookies out of the oven and had fixed pb&js for lunch.

Later when the cookies were  _finally_ cool enough to frost he picked out all kinds of crazy colors. His dad let him take care of half, while he did his own silly faces.

His Dad looked over and chuckled,"What is that hm?" the cookie was mostly grey and had a big funny face filled with big teeth and it had tiny little orange looking horns. John shrugged,"I don't know..he looks cool though!" his Dad only laughed and ruffled his hair,"Son, where ever do you get that imagination from. Maybe you dreamt that little guy up to."

John laughed and shrugged, continuing to make little grey faces with each their own bright color. Buy the time he was done he head four really bright coloured faces that looked blue,green,red,and purple, and he had six cookies that were grey and had their own funny orange horns. He couldn't really tell you why he picked those colours, or why he liked the little grey face. But he did.

The day went by and they ate dinner, John's favorite hamburger and fries with extra mayo and mustard. Afterwards him and his dad watched Little Monster for maybe the hundredth time, he could count that high so he knew he was right! 

He did start to fall asleep near the end though, but that was ok. He knew the rest of the movie by heart after-all. He smiled big and dopey when his Dad picked him up and carried him up the stairs. the same way he used to when John was really little.

His Dad tucked him into his bed and smiled, setting his glasses on his bedside table and kissed his forehead. John yawned and rubbed at his eyes, but he suddenly didn't like how dark his room was. He grabbed his dads hand and frowned,"I don't wanna sleep.." he slurred and yawned again.

Dad just smiled and turned on the little blue and white nightlight, the one that had clouds that spun around and bounce off the wall.He sat down on the edge of the bed and hummed while he pet John's hair. John wanted to frown, wanted to stay awake, to keep listening to his dads soft melody. It was the one he had been taught to play on the piano.

He really wanted to play the piano with his dad. He should've done that today. But he was tired now, and why couldn't they just play it tomorrow?

Dad smiled and kissed his forehead again,"Goodnight Son. I love you."

John blinked and blinked to try and stay awake, but he just mumbled out a quick,"Love you to Dad.." before closing his eyes and drifting off.

He could still hear the humming, but it sounded so distant...so far away. He wanted to reach for it, to hold onto it and never ever let it go. But he couldn't move. He couldn't move or talk and he was frozen listening to his father get farther and farther away and it made him want to cry but he couldn't feel it.

All he felt was cold and distance and it nearly broke his heart because it suddenly was so quiet and he wanted to cover his ears because the silence was practically screaming at him. 

Tt was screaming and he wanted to cry, because he couldn't hear the humming anymore but he could still hear his fathers words...

"Goodnight Son. I Love You."

And then he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my god im sorry for the hiatus i just had no idea what to do next
> 
> im back in for all of an hour and a chapter and im in tears..way to go me!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll literally only write this at ungodly hours of the wee morning


End file.
